Only Urkel Matters, Episode 3.13: Stevie Blunder
“Choir Trouble”
Original Air Date: December 20, 1991
Previously on OUM: Steve’s “crowded condo” wasn’t enough, and he lost his accordion money to LT Murtaugh.
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(Family Matters)
Cold Open:
Carl and Estelle are in the living room, waiting for everyone else to be ready for church. Carl, whose time as a police officer has taught him the importance of punctuality, is freaking out. He yells upstairs that everyone who isn’t ready in five minutes is going to have to take the bus, and then retreats to the kitchen, which makes sense. We tend to go to our happy places when we go through times of stress. Hurricane Urkel blows in, and he tells Estelle that she looks beautiful, and that if she was a few years younger, he’d make an honest woman out of her. I’m paraphrasing, but it’s essentially what happened. Steve tells her that he’s jealous of the Winslows, because his family doesn’t go to church together. Spoken like a guy who hasn’t been forced to get up every Sunday and sit on a hard, wooden bench for an hour. John Mulaney goes into this in his most recent special. Estelle invites Steve to join them at that day’s service. The family is finally ready, but once they hear that Urkel is joining them, they try to bail. Lolz.
The Story:
I hope you like you some Jesus, because there’s plenty of Him to go around in this episode. The whole family is at church, and they’re absolutely groovin’ to some hymnals. Harriette, Rachel and Laura are all in the choir (I guess Eddie was too cool), and boy howdy is Steve feeling that holy spirit. Estelle teaches him how to carry on like a good Christian boy, and he takes to this very quickly, Amening and Hallelujahing all over the place. The pastor addresses the congregation, and tells them that the choir director has left to pursue a musical career as the back-up singer for ZZ Top. Somehow, everyone agrees that this is an odd choice to make. I don’t think she made the wrong decision at all. The pastor names a new choir director: Rachel. She begins to celebrate, then realizes that her hubris doesn’t belong in a church and attempts to dial it back. She dials back too far, however, and almost loses the position that she just received. The pastor, delighted to see some new faces in his church, opens the floor to comments for some reason, and Captain Urk decides that this is the right time to cut a promo on religion:
Thanks for the heads up. (Family Matters)
The choir is milling around, getting ready for practice. Eddie is doing his best to spit game at a good-looking co-ed, but she’s not interested. Laura, wearing an absolutely appalling all-denim outfit, tells him that he couldn’t pick up a girl if she had a handle on her. That’s a nice burn, but apparently she hasn’t noticed the absolute smokes that have been hanging around her brother while she struggles to keep any boy interested enough in her to break through the nerdy 5’4” barrier that hovers around her. Carl comes in, and he’s carrying a box. Harriette asks him what’s in it, and because I’m me, my first instinct was Gwyneth Paltrow’s head. It’s actually a hat (which would fit nicely on Pepper Potts’ head, by the way), and he’s bought it for Rachel so that she will consider giving him the “big solo.” Harriette tells him that this is a low-down, dirty tactic, and then Rachel comes by and thanks her for the new necklace. Big laugh from the studio audience, stone cold gaze from ol’ Evdog. Choir practice is about to begin, but Steve bursts in right at that moment and asks if he join. Kind of shitty, if you ask me. If you’re eager to join a group, show up early and make a good impression. Rachel is a bit hesitant, because there are only a few days until Gospel Sunday (which I gather from context is the Super Bowl for church choirs). After a few moments of prodding from the Urkster, Rachel lets him in, but he very quickly shows her why he doesn’t belong:
Rachel makes the decision to kick Steve out of the group, which absolutely seems like the right thing to do to me, but the rest of the choir seems livid at Rachel and glare at her as he sadly leaves the room (even Laura, who has been the catalyst for this sad walk routine numerous times before).
The Family Matters production team did a really good job of pointing out time jumps in this episode. (Family Matters)
It’s late, and the choir has been practicing the same song for six hours. As a result, they’re all starting to get rather cranky, especially Rachel, who has decided to emulate the leadership style of Gordon Bombay at the beginning of the Mighty Ducks (or in the middle of the second one). Nothing they do is good enough, and she even lashes out at Carl, who is the only one trying to defend her. Eventually, she tells him that she is taking his solo away (this was probably the reason he was defending her in the first place) and doing it herself. This enrages the group, and they walk out on her.
Later that week, Estelle and Steve are engaged in a hearty game of chess. Estelle is obviously not very good, because the Urkster takes her out in one fell swoop. Estelle asks Steve if his parents are mad that he went to church, and he says that they are annoyed. His father couldn’t understand how he could believe in God, since he can’t touch, see, or feel Him. Urkel told his father that he couldn’t touch, see, or feel an atom either. Religion burn! Rachel comes in, and she’s bummed because no one in the choir will talk to her right now. Estelle tells her to stop acting like Mussolini and apologize to them. Rachel asks what will happen if they don’t accept her apology, and Estelle tells her that she has to have faith that they will. See how they tied up those loose ends into a neat little bow? Rachel apologizes to Steve, who tells her that all she did was save him the time and energy it would have taken to walk out on her with the rest of the choir. Ice cold.
Conclusion:
Gospel Sunday arrives, and the pastor is in the middle of his sermon. He talks about how important it is to sing the Lord’s praises, and then immediately says, “But we’re not going to do that today,” which might have been my first real laugh of the episode. He does his best to give some excuses without really lying, which is an honorable thing to do, but Rachel steps forward and asks if she can explain what happened to the congregation. The pastor allows this, and Rachel proceeds to explain what had happened in the previous week. She apologizes, and then her whole family, starting with Carl and ending with Eddie (who I’m still not 100% sure is in the choir, but what a lovely voice) rises up and each sing a line from a song, joining her on the daises. They are followed shortly by the rest of the choir. Feeling overwhelming relief, Rachel even goes into the crowd and brings Steve up to sing with them. You can only barely hear him singing terribly (a nice touch, I wonder if this was Jaleel White’s idea), and the episode ends right after the montage.
Join me next time, when I break down episode 3.14, “A Test of Friendship.”
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